Saturday, January 8, 2011

Post #5: I've evolved...also..(I want nothing, I need nothing, I am nothing...namaste)

I've been repeating a mantra both to myself and my friends:

I want nothing, I need nothing, and I am nothing.

I feel it truly releases me from pressure and all pressures.  Lately, it's been a lot of running around in life to and fro doing this and that.  And all the while, I almost feel I have lost my sense of self this past winter's start.  So I'm trying to spend this time now to continue to love myself.  To do this, I think that I can first start by:

  • avoid hurtful & emotionally exhaustive relationships of all sorts
  • refrain from actively seeking partner for long-term commitment
  • consider a vow of celibacy
  • avoid excess of any facet of my life
  • make activity and physical conditioning my top priority
As much as I know that we sigh and roll our eyes at the the term... it can't be helped but to know deep down in all of us that this is close to the reason why we strive for the things we strive for.  Ultimately, many facets of life, however complex they may be, are all motives for relationships at least by a few degrees of transitive property layers (yes, I did just make up that concept).

An aside: Transitive Property "Layer" is defined as: If a=b=c, then a=c (one layer).  If b=c=d, then a=d and so on an so forth (the second layer).

For me, it's not that I have low self-confidence... or that my self-esteem needs a real update and revamping ... I've noticed in the past six months that I do in fact have a great sense of self-confidence especially when it comes to my feelings and emotions.  Example, it was not hard for me to express my troubled doubts with more than few of my past rendezvous with the opposite sex. The most common complaint was about ambiguity.  Too many of my feelings were put on hold for something that wasn't definable (in the worst possible way).  Instead, I had to leave open wounds gaping open before finally started to stich my own sutures since my partner had pussyfooted to even contribute helping tie them.

Moreso, my issue with my past pseudo-relationships in 2010 was that I always saw the glass half-full in all situations.  If there was an issue that was either personal, emotional, or financial, I always saw through to the end that each man was redeemable in his own way.  He had redeemable qualities that made him very pleasant to be around.  At the most extreme, I almost equated this hope in people to be my ability even fall in love with a homeless person.  Not such a bad quality, I believe.

But just not health for me in the end. And I hate to use this cliché saying... but ...

I need a real man in my life.

Seeking a Good Partner
I'll only speak on this briefly: I am going to refrain from seeking, actively, a partner for long-term commitment.  Because, to refrain from seeking would be the opposite behavior of my attempts this past year.

To be continued...